11.24.09

So, why is it that everytime I really want something I can never obtain it. No matter how hard I persist for my own happiness it seems to backfire. No matter how much good deeds i've done, I can never recieve enjoyment of my own. What am I missing? I'm not being selfish I try avoiding that at all cost. I sacrifice my own happiness for others yet when I am being selfish I can't be happy. I wonder if this is a curse. It seems like my dead father seem to be that way too. I wonder if i'm like that.

What reasons why I pursue happiness when I know I can't be happy at all. How come I can't be satisfied except only when im satisfying others. What is it that I am missing. Why is that I try to not be insensitive I do it anyways. And when others are insensitive to me I dont feel p.o as much. Man this is annoying...

In any case, I hate my life and still wish for someone to just end it for me hmm maybe because of that thought i'm always cursed. Ha. Man this blog is depressing. I should really do something to make it optimistic at least... oh well. i'll write something else later.

9:50 AM