Something I can wish for.

Y'know the problem with me is that underneath everything. I'm really selfish. Even though I try and do things for everyone. I'm selfish.
Honestly, I don't believe that im' great. Because if I was, i wouldn't have this feeling of pain in my heart.
Even though I try to win someone's heart, It all ends in pain. In the end i'm being told your really a great person. Well, if i was so great why can't I have you?
Although, I know im foolish and ambitious and perhaps I should lower it down a notch. I still want to achieve my goals.
I hate the fact that i'm vague and I can't express myself clearly to anyone. I'm selective and the person I want to talk to is the person I love. Because i want to share everything about me to that one person.
No one hardly realize that i'm really in pain underneath my smile. I'm great at lieing to myself. Because in the end, i'm always hurting myself over something stupid.
When I find someone I like, I will strive for everything I can for this person. But, when im struck down. I can't seem to move on for a while unless I punish myself mentally to move on. Because of that I feel very stupid.
All I want is a simple Love to solve every issue that I have with myself. I want a love so that I can believe in something. But, i'm just being foolish and desperate.
Even though im telling everything on this blog. In the end, nothing will really help.
If I love someone, I bet that i can write a several pages all about that one person.
I'm selfish, foolish, ambitiuos, incompetent, reckless, and idiotic. I'm pessimistic to myself and optimistic to everyone else.
That reason is because I dont want others to be like me.
The reason why I want to be a psychologist is so that I can find people like me to stop being like me because it will hurt them in the future. Always driving urself in pain.
Someone who have told me that I shouldn't give advice since i don't follow it, i find that insulting however, i'm not taken by that too much. Instead the reason why i can give those advice is because i don't want that person to feel the same way as me because they should be happy for themselves. The funny things is, I know all the things to make a person feel better about themselves and yet i can't do that for myself.
I can be couragous and yet foolishly couragous. I'm the kind of person who will save a person's life and end up saving the bad guy who's suppose to be dead.
I dislike the way I am. Even though i want to become a better person I can't do it myself.
In the end I guess i really do need someone to love me in order to become a better person.
Sadly i'm too damn picky about it... But, everyone have a dream love right?
When I choose someone, i guess they HAVE to be close to the dream love i wish to obtain.
The girl i'm looking for is: Optimistic, Loving, playful, cheerful, smart, comedic, thoughtful, always smiling, helpful, confident, and perhaps slightly perverse while being flirtatious :D
ofc that's just personality. However, in depth it doesn't always have to be like that.
The kind of girl im looking for is someone who always believe in something greatly and have full confidence in themselves. That girl is something I would admire. She also is willing to sacrifice anything and is always there. She would be the type to be helpful and to think ahead for a future. This girl should also be flitatious, but can also talk in deep conversation. I wish for this girl to be someone who I can share everything with and enjoy every last minute of it. I wish for this girl to have an innocent love and those kind are really hard to find. Innocent love means that the love is still pure and not tainted by the pains of others and thus making their love much more stronger than most and will be less likely to leave that person. But innocent love isn't really that neccessary, beside its only a wish. Lastly, I wish for this girl who happen to know how to cheer people up and be cute about it.
Anyways that's just the gist of it i can go on and on but no.
Perhaps I am desperate and after writing this down, more than likely i'll just move on and take things slowly and just let myself go. For the next girl that I may like. I hope she comes to me rather than having me come to her. Perhaps I really am trying too hard. But, i will change.

Lastly, when you have a lover, both party has to learn how to sacrifice to each other and willing to give up something in order to protect what they love. Whether u want to change ur personality or habits. As long as the person is willing to do it themselves for that person. It's fine. However forcing someone to change against someone's will is wrong.

8:30 AM

Wishing for you.

Have you felt this warm before?
Inside and out
Can you feel the warmth;
Coming from our touch?

All I wish, is for you to be with me
Laying on grass, watching the sky
Talking about our memories
Wishing our happy lives.
Holding on to each other

These are wishes that we both want
Knowing we will fall apart
I don't understand where I went wrong
But, that's fine knowing you'll still be there
All I want, is for you to be with me.

Walking together hand to hand
Enjoying life as the sun sets and rises
Embracing each others existence
Knowing that we will fall apart

Even though It could be a wonderful life
We were never together
You talk about your lover
Even though I'm just there, listening to you suffer.

All I wish, is for you to be with me.
So that you can be free
I know I may not be good enough,
I'm willing to work hard for you.

Hearing you feel so betrayed,
makes my heart hurt.
Loving you now,
so you may move on

Because all I wish is for you to be happy
Even though you may be with the wrong guy
I'll be the sky, watching as you go by.
So don't cry.
I'll be wishing for you a happy life.

2:39 PM

Painful Memories.

Rain, Rain go away come again another day...
Just like these memories that never goes away
I just end up cringing that way.
In a corner, locked away
Wishing that the days gone bye.

As I hope every day
That my life will get better some day.
I can't explain these horrible pain
In these memories I kept locked away.

In a corner, locked away
Thinking that I should go away
Disappear you foul memory
I dont' want to play today

All I can remember are pains of yestarday
I just want to go away
Why are you making me remember those days
I just want to go away

Memories memories go away
Don't come again another day
If you do
I will cringe.
In a corner crying all day.

9:40 PM

11.30.09

What is it? What did I do? I'm confused. These are the words i've asked myself many times. Yet, it can never be truely answered. I always have problems and I always manage to find ways to identify them. Though only a few can be solved yet... there are still many that I cannot solve. I'm inconsiderate, insensitive, foolish, and stupid. Though I try very hard to prevent being inconsiderate, insensitive, foolish, and stupid it always ends up happening. It happens so many times and yet I failed to reckognize them quick enough. I dont mean it. I dont mean any of them. I'm not trying to be heartless. But, i'm guilty of all of them. When I try explaining as to why I did it. It so happens to be an excuse. I'm not trying to deny them. I'm not trying to do anything. When i'm guilty of my own action, I silence myself. Why is it that I can't change those crucial personality that people despise? I'm only human. I'm flawwed. So are many.

Every time when I talk to people I feel like they might understand me. They might know what kind of person I am. But, as the saying goes "no one knows better than you but only you". I really wish someone can actually understand in and out of me. No matter how many times I tell them about myself they all seem to misunderstand crucial things I wanted them to focus on. I despise being misunderstood. But I am sure everyone feels the same way as well.

What is it that makes people understand who you are. Is it simply just talking about yourself so that the person who's listening can understand? I always thought that in order to have people believe in you is to practice what you really say and not contradict yourself. I try that yet it seems like im still being misunderstood. But, you can't win against majority of what people see in you. Though I dont particularly believe in them but if I deny them... it'll only cause more problems. I want to make this right. So that they wont be disappointed in me. I've already done so already. I won't stand another disappointment nor will I fail to lose people whome I do care so much for. What am I doing wrong...

Everyday I talk to people
About the kind of person I am.
I'm here to give a hand,
To those who have no freinds.

I want to bring light,
To protect and fight. (for them)
No matter who you are,
We'll always be tight.

But, no matter what I do
I can't seem to understand.
Why am I the one
Who ends up getting mistaken

Am I too ambitious?
Or am I vicious...
What makes me the villain
When im being the hero

Im here to give a hand
To those who have no freinds
Making you laugh
While your being sad

Sacrificing my own
To give you what you need.
Yet, I'm mistaken
For things I've given.

What makes me the villain
When im trying to be the hero?
Maybe I shouldn't.
Instead I should.

I know I am flawed
But I never knew i would be called
Someone who was fake
Am I really that hate(d)?

I said hello.
I gave you my hand
And became your friend.
Yet, I am mistaken

I explain myself.
For the problems i've caused
ignorant i am
Of my own

Just tell me what's wrong
So i can undo my wrongs
Make things right
So I can become the light.

We're still freinds
Despite I am flawed
I wont give up
Because i will give you my hand
So that we become freinds(once more)



P.S Oh look i've made yet another depressing blog Haha-shrugs- i guess this is all i can write about. HAHA Oh man i need to stop being pessimistic.

8:32 AM

11.24.09

So, why is it that everytime I really want something I can never obtain it. No matter how hard I persist for my own happiness it seems to backfire. No matter how much good deeds i've done, I can never recieve enjoyment of my own. What am I missing? I'm not being selfish I try avoiding that at all cost. I sacrifice my own happiness for others yet when I am being selfish I can't be happy. I wonder if this is a curse. It seems like my dead father seem to be that way too. I wonder if i'm like that.

What reasons why I pursue happiness when I know I can't be happy at all. How come I can't be satisfied except only when im satisfying others. What is it that I am missing. Why is that I try to not be insensitive I do it anyways. And when others are insensitive to me I dont feel p.o as much. Man this is annoying...

In any case, I hate my life and still wish for someone to just end it for me hmm maybe because of that thought i'm always cursed. Ha. Man this blog is depressing. I should really do something to make it optimistic at least... oh well. i'll write something else later.

9:50 AM

Well now 11.12.09

Procastination is one of the worst habit to have and by far one of the most hardest. I've 5 assignment due tommorow... Now how the HELL am I going to finish them all. It's already 3:21 pm AND IV"E DONE NOTHING so far... Someone kill me now x.x'''' Ugh, I hate the fact that i'm neglecting my assignments and I do not want to fail my classes yet... ugh I need to find a way to stop being a procastinator. Sigh... I need to organize my priority or else i'm fucked... Oh well i'm quite the joke aren't I. In any case, lately i've been feeling empty. I feel like all my happiness but sucked away and all i've been doing is ruining myself once more. I wonder if i'm ever going to get through. Man, I am such a fool. Hmmm so far my blogs been nothing but pessimistic things so far oh well. Ah man i can't figure out anything i want to do... I really need to do something about this. I can't just leave everything as it is. Yet, I feel like part of me is stopping me from whatever i want to do.

For those of you who're reading, you will be confused. Everything I talk about are vague and wierd. I'd be quite surprised if you manage to understand what I'm going through but then again everyone goes through this so its not as surprising. Eh... FML

12:20 PM

11.10.09

So a few days ago i officially broke up with my girlfriend Teresa. Though... I did explained to her everything and I had put all the blame upon myself and I felt I could not make her happy any longer than she had felt. Somehow the conversation ended up as an argument again and i'm being blamed for not putting enough effort, sacrificial, and showing that I don't love her. Which I kinda pissed me off because one, I was willing to leave all my freinds behind and make her happy. I offered that five times to her and all five time she didn't want to because i'll be "lonely" and i'm like... "but i'll have you and that's all I need..." So yeah... two is that i've always ranted to people and showed them how much I loved her but I needed help with my situation when I clearly tried every single way of figuring out what to do with her and to make her happy. Third, I have freinds, family, her, and school to take care of. All she has is me and school. She believe that her family doesn't care about her. Which I dont believe is true because she neglects them and not have dinners with them and hang out with them. So iono that kinda pissed me off. Anyways there are also more things to talk about but I do not want to get into. Talking about this pisses me off but I don't know... I need to express my anger of a failure life I have. Why is it that everytime I want to care for someone very much I end up hurting them. None of them see how hard I try and I try multitasking to everything I can. I hate ignorance... sigh. FML

On the positive side, i'm single harharharhar. So... i guess i kinda feel more relaxed like the weight is a lot less than before so yeah haha. Also, i've been hearing some stuff in audi about the fam Excelsior being labeled the same thing as biohazard, prestige, etc etc about being fb whores... One thing, we dont plan on stealing fp. 2nd thing, we play fb to have fun and have our other opponents to have fun as well or so that's the goal point. 3rd thing, we fb fairly as much as possible though im starting to realize my fam's been getting carried away taking away over 20+ fp which I need to talk to them about. In any case, it seems like most of the fam i know dislike losing a lot of fam so I'm already trying to have my fam miss cfm and fm on purpose so that the gap wouldn't be so huge.

8:57 AM